An internal song within me,
since my first breath since my first glance at light.
Its melody moves with purpose
it moves with assurance
it moves with hope.
Written into my finger tips,
written upon my spirit.
Orchestrating my movements,
its moves behind the scenes
its tempos whispers of beauty
it whispers of sweetness
it whispers.
I know to follow its rhythm.
A syncopation,
a beat that flows beneath the river of my life.
Reverberations safe guard
bringing urgency,
bringing warning.
The song enlivens my spirit to breath
to take in life
to see.
My layers removed it seeps into my pores
it softens my exterior,
the song is no longer for my ears.

Light

How do I walk in the light? (This is only how the word as been fleshed out within me just thoughts.)

This question has been stirring in my spirit. Two ideas which keep coming to me, one that the word light can have several meanings: that which makes vision possible, something can be a source of light-i.e. sunlight, candle, or lamp or an enlightening, an understanding a waking of the heart and spirit to divine truth, knowledge, and wisdom-i.e. illumination. Two Jesus brings light to the world He is the ultimate light. The purposes of the law being fulfilled through Jesus.

Isaiah 9:2, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of shadow and death a light has dawned.”
John 1:6-9, “There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came to testify concerning the light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.”
John 8:12, “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
John 9:5 “While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

In the beginning God said Let there be light and there was light. And on the sixth day He created man. They were created and lived in a place full of light, full of the presence of God. But we were born into sin not righteousness. We were already in the woods naked, hiding, and afraid. With the prodding of the Holy Spirit our souls and minds are drawn to faith a belief that there is a God that there is something more hopeful then darkness there is light. As we slowly learn about who Jesus is through the scripture, there is a curiosity that takes root there is the Holy Spirit drawing us to follow.

In fairy tales, myths, and legends, the woods are deep dark and mysterious, they are dangerous and everyone is fearful. We started out in the woods, but as we begin to walk out of the dark and entangling woods, they slowly become lighter because the trees aren’t as close together and we can begin to see light shift on the forest floor and a far gleamer up ahead. Our eyes adjust as they get used to a new sensation and anxiety, fear, and worry seem a little less as we inch our way closer towards the light. As we walk closer and closer away from the deep dark and into the glorious clearing from trees we take on a new understanding and freedom. We are enlightened by a deeper and fuller truth. Just like in our spiritual journey we are being redeemed to be a more glorious creation as God intended so that one day when we do walk once again in the presence of God we aren’t just seeing in part but fully. Not blinded by darkness but seeing the glorious light of our Father. And perhaps its hard to walk in the light, to walk in truth, to walk with faith, to walk with hope because the trees like to still lash out, we look over our shoulder into the dark and fear what is lurking behind us. The snake still likes to whisper and taunt and we can be easily pulled back into a life of fear, a life of anxiety, a life of sin.

There are further references in scripture to the word lamp. David is described as being a lamp to Israel and God promised to raise up yet another lamp following David’s reign. The old laws in the pentateuch describe in detail a lamp stand to be built for the temple and clear oil from pressed olives to be used for lighting, and the lamp should be maintained and kept burning and is never to go out. The book of Revelation describes 7 lamp stands which are representative of the 7 cities. In John 9, Jesus said, “While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” And following this he spit on the ground and made mud and placed it on the eyes of the man who was blind. After washing in the pool as he was commanded he went home seeing. Those who knew him didn’t even recognize him. Jesus in his sermons on the mount called us to be a light to the world, a lamp, a light to those around us. A lamp that is continually burning, much like the lamp stand described in the Old Testament. And the light revealed to and through us is like being the blind man no longer walking in darkness but walking in a new truth, so much so, that those around us would see the good things of God.

What does all this mean in correlation to my faith journey at present?
One, how can people see the light if I use other things besides the clear freshest oil from olives to try to light the lamp. If I am not in the Word, if I don’t consciously seek after the things of God, then the ways of God the love and blessings of God are lost to those around me and go unseen. Two, if I am constantly looking over my shoulder fearful and anxious, no one will see the hope that Jesus offered in the cross and the power of the resurrection. Three, if I try to blaze my own trail in the woods instead of following the markers laid out for me I will get lost and find myself in dangerous territory. All of which I have done. The Word gets replaced with excuses and foolish desires. I find time for other things like movies and scanning the internet for hours instead of exposing myself to truth. And then I start to forget truth because and I don’t remember the strength and promises of God. I forget to trust him and I begin a circular spiral of fear, worry, and doubt.

Its tiring walking in the light. At work its the back and forth to be or not to be nice. To grit teeth or not to grit teeth. To smile and be content or to bitch and complain. To show grace or not to show grace. Honestly I would much rather do the latter of the two, but if I am suppose to be set apart showing myself approved then I suppose I should smile. Or for the thousandth time my father belittles me with not even knowing, I could scream, curse, and throw as many fiery darts. However, if I want to change and I desire my father to change then I need to show love and grace even when I feel like screaming. Its a constant adjustment within my heart allowing the Holy Spirit to move and act through me when I don’t have the patients and strength to walk in the light. I can’t walk in the light on my own. When I am weak (and I am) God still lavishes His grace, His mercy, and His light upon me.

I like to do word studies if you hadn’t noticed already:)

Psalm 19:8 -The commands of the Lord are radiant giving light to the eyes. (NIV)
Psalm 27:1- The Lord is my light and salvation of whom shall I be afraid? (NIV)
Psalm 36-9- Your a fountain of cascading light, and you open our eyes to light. (Message)
Psalm 89:15-16-Blessed are the people who know the festal shout who walk, O Lord, in the light of your face who exult in your name all day and in your righteousness are exalted. (ESV)
Psalm 119:105-Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. (NIV)
Psalm 119:130-The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple. (ESV)
Isaiah 42:16- I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth, These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. (NIV)
Isaiah 42:16-But I’ll take the hand of those who don’t know the way, who can’t see where they are going. I’ll be a personal guide to them, directing them through unknown country. I’ll be right there to show them which roads to take, make sure they don’t fall into a ditch. These are all things I’ll be doing for them-sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute. (Message)
Isaiah 60:1- Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of God rises upon you. (NIV)
Isaiah 60:1- Get out of bed, Jerusalem! Wake up. Put your face in the sunlight. God’s bright glory has risen upon you. The whole earth was wrapped in darkness, all people sunk in deep darkness, but God rises upon you, his sunrise glory breaks over you. Nations will come to your light, kings to the sunburst brightness. (Message)

Memories...I was recently watching the movie My Sisters Keeper and while I had read the book and prepared to be emotional while viewing I don't think I was prepared to see some of my past. While my experience of Leukemia is very different there are events that are similar. Like finding that best friend in the hospital who knows exactly what your going through. My friend was certainly not some older cute boy like in the book no instead he was five years my younger.

A five year old who on my first meeting told me with a shrug and a mouthful of Oreos not to worry that it would be just like a bee sting and then he turned his attention back to the Nintendo game. As I laid on the procedure table knees to chest with the cold and smell of the Betadine on my back I repeated his words only a bee sting, only a bee sting-not exactly the words I would use to describe a spinal tap: ("a procedure performed when a doctor needs to look at the cerebrospinal fluid. A numbing medication lidocaine is injected first into your skin and then into the deeper tissues of your lower back to numb the area completely. This injection causes some minor discomfort, which is usually brief and has been described as a burning sensation. The needle is then inserted in your lower back, usually at the third and fourth lumbar or fourth and fifth lumbar level. The needle passes between the 2 vertebrae to enter the space where the fluid is contained. Placing you in the fetal position allows the vertebral spaces to open more widely to make needle passage easier. The fluid is then allowed to collect into a series of 3 or 4 vials that are then sent to the lab for evaluation.The fluid collects passively, meaning it is allowed to drip out into each vial at its own pace. This step can take several minutes for a full specimen collection.") While I recall it feeling a bit more painful than a bee sting and especially more uncomfortable it was the beginning of a friendship.

When both sets of parents were away we would entertain ourselves with nintendo games and movies in each others rooms. We would equally tease the student nurses and sneak soda and candy into our rooms. And while I did play a little of mother hen on the floor there was a common understanding. We both new just by looking at each other how our day was going, what it was like to spend the whole afternoon puking into a basin or the draggy achy feeling that is the result of no sleep because the shivers were so strong the night before. The second floor of the hospital without its luxurious accommodations which the children's wing is now blessed with was still home. While I was once again admitted into the hospital it was at least familiar. I placed my bag in my room and went with eager anticipation to see Bojo knowing he would be there watching his favorite show. The room was sterile. There were no plants in the window, no stuffed animals lining the side of his bed and the walls were all cleared of best wishes. I shrugged turned out thinking cool he must have been well enough to go home but as I turned the corner I saw my mom talking to the nurse and their faces locked with mine. They didn't have to tell me I knew Bojo had died.

He was five. JJ was three. Colin was thirteen. Carl, Karl, and Isaiah...disease free and at peace... and i guess so am I.

Haven't written in awhile mostly cause don't have the words. Its like a numbness. Did you ever lose something and wish you could remember the exact moment you lost it or how it got lost? I've lost something. And I am not yet sure if its retrievable...Hope is still clinging.

My mother grew up one of six kids in new jersey. Daughter of a school teacher and physicist. Having moved when she was in sixth grade to Mass she always told fond stories of new jersey, missing life in new jersey. And while she told stories of living in sudbury it wasn't without the feeling of loss and a wishing for something else. In her young adult life she lost her mother to alzheirmers a woman whose name I share. And it was always noted in conversation how much she was missed. In fact i don't think my mother ever got over her loss. And now it seems my mother has lost her own mind. Not really sure yet why...perhaps I may never know. And while she is still living still able to dress, bath, feed, and somewhat maintain a conversation she is not really there, she is not the mother I knew. But perhaps my mother was lost awhile ago, neglected, taken for granted. She worked more than 40 hours a week for so many years helping to put food on the table. Never really having time for herself, and not really having time and energy for cleaning. And then the house started filling with things, unnecessary things, things that eventually moth and rust destroy. There was a point when I do remember her having time with her friends but when in the last five years at least did she hang out with just the girls-women her own age besides her daughters. When did she ever do something for herself instead of for someone else? She was always faithful to stand by her husband even if it meant sacrifice after sacrifice. She was lost awhile ago and we didn't see.

My mothers brain is showing loss in more than one area. A brain which stills holds many memories and can recount beautiful stories and names of people known awhile back but yet the brain can't know 5 minutes versus 2 hours. And while I remember wonderful stories with her my thoughts look at the loss to occur in the future. Future events that will not look the way I had originally imagined. Like a mother being fully present at a bridal fitting, a wedding ceremony, and a child's birth. Memories that have not yet been created yet seem already tainted. I know hope is my anchor but that doesn't mean the storm ends even though I wish it would..sea sickness is the worst.

Just thoughts that for myself I need to see outside my head...

As a group we have now read through Mark 12. Still asking the question 'What does my life mean in light of the text?' We've been reading from the Message translation which I am becoming very fond of. And while I am sure many will have theological debates over different translations whether one is better than the other I think that more importantly the translation allows me to see and hear with freshness. Having memorized many verses in my youth I think the verse can sometimes just be another verse, but with new freshness I am able to put beside an already conceived notion and allow the spirit to bring new revelation or perhaps to even bring truth which got clouded over by my own understanding instead of a supernatural one.

Overlying theme Jesus oozes with an abundance of compassion and grace. Even though Jesus has to spell out the truth over and over to his disciples he does not give up on them. I mean there he was traveling the road going village to village having everyone crowd against him and he is I’m sure tired yet he preached to thousands of people and didn’t want to send them home on an empty stomach. Even though the disciples are seeing and learning first hand who Jesus is and what he is all about they don’t get him and they don’t understand this kingdom and the sacrifice that he is about to make for their behalf.

And there are many underlying stories-men and women with faith, men and women without faith. Those who think they have all the answers but perhaps have dead ears and eyes. All I can hear Jesus say, Are you that stupid do you not see and ear what I have been telling you and showing? Do you not get why I have brought you into the inner circle? Why can’t you trust me? Did I not just feed thousands and thousands of people over and over again and you are arguing over that one piece of bread you are arguing about things you shouldn’t be arguing over, things you shouldn’t be worrying about? And I hear him say Margaret why are you worrying? Margaret why are you running with your own understanding? Margaret why are you focused on things that aren’t important? Don’t you know that I am God? Don’t you already know that I am a God who heals and God who is faithful a God who provides? Don’t you know Margaret that my love and grace are all together sufficient?

Group Reading with friends-reading aloud together Mark with response and prayer. One main question-What does my life mean in light of the text? This week we read chapters one-four, and i think its hard to answer that question without first identifying what I notice within just this portion of the text.

There must have been something in His mannerism in His voice or perhaps it was mere curiosity or anything to get away from the every day fishing(their job) that led Simon and Andrew to drop their fishing nets and James and John as well. (Question-what would he have asked me that would stir my heart my curiosity and would make me drop my responsibilities or perhaps what i thought was important?)

Right away Jesus starts teaching and from the crowds perspective his teaching, his mannerism, his presence are so different from the other scholars and religious leaders-the spectators are surprised. And then he is healing the sick and sending demonic spirits packing-and the crowds are again surprised who is this man? What is this new teaching? The demonic spirits and those who are healed get who he is-and Jesus tells them to shut up, don't tell. And Jesus continues to teach to heal and then even to forgive sins. (Which I can't but think about all the religious laws that were established for purification and the forgiveness of sins-going to the temple preparing the choice meats having a priest go into the inner sanctuary or all the laws on unclean vs. clean? Would I have thought yes! we don't have to go through all those steps to be clean or forgiven or would I have thought him crazy and reckless and would I be to afraid to brake out of the mold I grew up with? Would I have said, "Who is this man that even the wind and the waves obey him?"Or would I have understood the power, the authority, the glory of the kingdom at hand, would I have received the revelation( the huge picture) that he was slowly imparting through each act and teaching.)

Where is my heart, would I have received the message? Or like the seed would it have fallen on deaf ears? He taught to them at the level of their maturity? What is my maturity level? Does the seed take root? Does it grow and blossom? Or does it dry up get replaced get pushed aside?

The past few days I've been house sitting for friends and enjoying a bit of a retreat. They live outside the city of Portland in Falmouth amidst the large sometimes fabricated homes. But their's has a charm a beautiful backyard with fur trees and nicely landscaped flower beds, a tire swing-that I almost fell off of while trying to get on, and a screened in porch with bright blue swing where I spent a better part of my day taking in the surroundings. Its nice not to wake up to the sounds of large trucks rushing by my bedroom window. I don't mind the city but having grown up in the country there is a part of me that will always find it comforting. However some might complain that the crows are entirely too loud or that the school traffic in the morning is as just as loud as the city trucks.

It was nice not to work a holiday shift for a change-back to work tomorrow. Smiling, welcoming, seating, smiling, welcoming, seating.......and so on. I don't mind it when for the most part it pays the bills. However, I don't recall in third grade ever responding 'when I grow up I want to be a hostess.' And then I start thinking about society and how we have totally lost it or rather have not changed at all. Aristocrat:Executive Farmer:Farmer. We belittle the man who works 60 hours or more on his farm, sets a good example for hard workmanship, and the support of a family because we get into our heads that a high executive position is better and entitles the person to more dignity. A big window opens for low self-esteem, love is distorted is lost.