I love movies, all different genres, but I esp. love films that aren't in the limelight-and yet can achieve such masterful beauty. Now I am sure there are many who would disagree with my choices for films-my likes and dislikes and I am not saying you have to agree just experience.

I recently rented Vitus from a locally owned video rental in Portland (which by the way are the best and I love supporting the local businesses.) Switzerland entered it in the 2006 Academy Awards for Best Foreign Language Film. Basic plot a story of a boy prodigy who masters the piano at 12. But while he may love the piano its art form and the classical masters, he fights against the expectations and pressures of others. His parents always pushing him in the direction they want forcing him to practice-practice instead of really seeing their son. And even at 12 he began to understand that he did not have to live by the expectations of others-that he could follow his own heart and not wear the suit that someone else placed and pressured on him.

This concept I am still trying to learn. I am wearing a suit one I wear because its placed on me, forced on me, i feel guilty if I don't wear it, sometimes I like it even though a lot of times my own emotions and sensitive spirit get trampled. I'm the mediator the one in the family who smooths things over after one sibling had it out with a parent. Or I am the cleaner the one who goes in and neatens straightens can easily persuade the parental to get rid some unnecessary item. Or I'm a parent a second mother to my youngest sibling. And a lot of times I don't mind fulfilling these roles. I love talking to Abby taking her places advising etc. she's like a best friend-who gets my need to sing show tunes really loud in the car:) Or being able to help at my parents-cause I mean seriously their my parents. And I don't mind listening when someones frustrated with my families quirks.

But why is it always expected that I should clean something every time I go home. Confession-my mom is a hoarder. So it really doesn't matter how much I clean things will never be clean. But for once I wish-sometimes I cross my fingers as I drive home hoping miraculously that it will be spotless and clutter free. But I clean and I never can fully just sit with my parents and enjoy their company without feeling the strain of the house and claustrophobic.

Recently my mother has been unwell. Mentally not quite there doing things a dementia or alzheimers patient might do. So for the past few months its been quite stressful and I have been helping at the home because my mom doesn't anymore and has not been herself-and the reality is that I feel like I am losing my mother. And we have been waiting for a diagnosis. In the mean time strain has hit the communication lines within the immediate family and a lot of time unity , grace, and love are thrown out the window. And the biggest thing is my dad now telling me I have to come home once a week to help in the house instead of being appreciative for when I do. Which has basically been almost every week.

But here is the spiritual debate within my heart. I am not necessarily called to any of these roles placed on me. But then what is the heart of the gospel. Does not God show grace and love maybe when it is not deserved? And am I supposed to abandon my father who obviously is hurting struggling and confused. What is my role or what should my role be-which always leads to the question I'm always asking myself who am I?