Haven't written in awhile mostly cause don't have the words. Its like a numbness. Did you ever lose something and wish you could remember the exact moment you lost it or how it got lost? I've lost something. And I am not yet sure if its retrievable...Hope is still clinging.
My mother grew up one of six kids in new jersey. Daughter of a school teacher and physicist. Having moved when she was in sixth grade to Mass she always told fond stories of new jersey, missing life in new jersey. And while she told stories of living in sudbury it wasn't without the feeling of loss and a wishing for something else. In her young adult life she lost her mother to alzheirmers a woman whose name I share. And it was always noted in conversation how much she was missed. In fact i don't think my mother ever got over her loss. And now it seems my mother has lost her own mind. Not really sure yet why...perhaps I may never know. And while she is still living still able to dress, bath, feed, and somewhat maintain a conversation she is not really there, she is not the mother I knew. But perhaps my mother was lost awhile ago, neglected, taken for granted. She worked more than 40 hours a week for so many years helping to put food on the table. Never really having time for herself, and not really having time and energy for cleaning. And then the house started filling with things, unnecessary things, things that eventually moth and rust destroy. There was a point when I do remember her having time with her friends but when in the last five years at least did she hang out with just the girls-women her own age besides her daughters. When did she ever do something for herself instead of for someone else? She was always faithful to stand by her husband even if it meant sacrifice after sacrifice. She was lost awhile ago and we didn't see.
My mothers brain is showing loss in more than one area. A brain which stills holds many memories and can recount beautiful stories and names of people known awhile back but yet the brain can't know 5 minutes versus 2 hours. And while I remember wonderful stories with her my thoughts look at the loss to occur in the future. Future events that will not look the way I had originally imagined. Like a mother being fully present at a bridal fitting, a wedding ceremony, and a child's birth. Memories that have not yet been created yet seem already tainted. I know hope is my anchor but that doesn't mean the storm ends even though I wish it would..sea sickness is the worst.
My mother grew up one of six kids in new jersey. Daughter of a school teacher and physicist. Having moved when she was in sixth grade to Mass she always told fond stories of new jersey, missing life in new jersey. And while she told stories of living in sudbury it wasn't without the feeling of loss and a wishing for something else. In her young adult life she lost her mother to alzheirmers a woman whose name I share. And it was always noted in conversation how much she was missed. In fact i don't think my mother ever got over her loss. And now it seems my mother has lost her own mind. Not really sure yet why...perhaps I may never know. And while she is still living still able to dress, bath, feed, and somewhat maintain a conversation she is not really there, she is not the mother I knew. But perhaps my mother was lost awhile ago, neglected, taken for granted. She worked more than 40 hours a week for so many years helping to put food on the table. Never really having time for herself, and not really having time and energy for cleaning. And then the house started filling with things, unnecessary things, things that eventually moth and rust destroy. There was a point when I do remember her having time with her friends but when in the last five years at least did she hang out with just the girls-women her own age besides her daughters. When did she ever do something for herself instead of for someone else? She was always faithful to stand by her husband even if it meant sacrifice after sacrifice. She was lost awhile ago and we didn't see.
My mothers brain is showing loss in more than one area. A brain which stills holds many memories and can recount beautiful stories and names of people known awhile back but yet the brain can't know 5 minutes versus 2 hours. And while I remember wonderful stories with her my thoughts look at the loss to occur in the future. Future events that will not look the way I had originally imagined. Like a mother being fully present at a bridal fitting, a wedding ceremony, and a child's birth. Memories that have not yet been created yet seem already tainted. I know hope is my anchor but that doesn't mean the storm ends even though I wish it would..sea sickness is the worst.
