Haven't written in awhile mostly cause don't have the words. Its like a numbness. Did you ever lose something and wish you could remember the exact moment you lost it or how it got lost? I've lost something. And I am not yet sure if its retrievable...Hope is still clinging.

My mother grew up one of six kids in new jersey. Daughter of a school teacher and physicist. Having moved when she was in sixth grade to Mass she always told fond stories of new jersey, missing life in new jersey. And while she told stories of living in sudbury it wasn't without the feeling of loss and a wishing for something else. In her young adult life she lost her mother to alzheirmers a woman whose name I share. And it was always noted in conversation how much she was missed. In fact i don't think my mother ever got over her loss. And now it seems my mother has lost her own mind. Not really sure yet why...perhaps I may never know. And while she is still living still able to dress, bath, feed, and somewhat maintain a conversation she is not really there, she is not the mother I knew. But perhaps my mother was lost awhile ago, neglected, taken for granted. She worked more than 40 hours a week for so many years helping to put food on the table. Never really having time for herself, and not really having time and energy for cleaning. And then the house started filling with things, unnecessary things, things that eventually moth and rust destroy. There was a point when I do remember her having time with her friends but when in the last five years at least did she hang out with just the girls-women her own age besides her daughters. When did she ever do something for herself instead of for someone else? She was always faithful to stand by her husband even if it meant sacrifice after sacrifice. She was lost awhile ago and we didn't see.

My mothers brain is showing loss in more than one area. A brain which stills holds many memories and can recount beautiful stories and names of people known awhile back but yet the brain can't know 5 minutes versus 2 hours. And while I remember wonderful stories with her my thoughts look at the loss to occur in the future. Future events that will not look the way I had originally imagined. Like a mother being fully present at a bridal fitting, a wedding ceremony, and a child's birth. Memories that have not yet been created yet seem already tainted. I know hope is my anchor but that doesn't mean the storm ends even though I wish it would..sea sickness is the worst.

Just thoughts that for myself I need to see outside my head...

As a group we have now read through Mark 12. Still asking the question 'What does my life mean in light of the text?' We've been reading from the Message translation which I am becoming very fond of. And while I am sure many will have theological debates over different translations whether one is better than the other I think that more importantly the translation allows me to see and hear with freshness. Having memorized many verses in my youth I think the verse can sometimes just be another verse, but with new freshness I am able to put beside an already conceived notion and allow the spirit to bring new revelation or perhaps to even bring truth which got clouded over by my own understanding instead of a supernatural one.

Overlying theme Jesus oozes with an abundance of compassion and grace. Even though Jesus has to spell out the truth over and over to his disciples he does not give up on them. I mean there he was traveling the road going village to village having everyone crowd against him and he is I’m sure tired yet he preached to thousands of people and didn’t want to send them home on an empty stomach. Even though the disciples are seeing and learning first hand who Jesus is and what he is all about they don’t get him and they don’t understand this kingdom and the sacrifice that he is about to make for their behalf.

And there are many underlying stories-men and women with faith, men and women without faith. Those who think they have all the answers but perhaps have dead ears and eyes. All I can hear Jesus say, Are you that stupid do you not see and ear what I have been telling you and showing? Do you not get why I have brought you into the inner circle? Why can’t you trust me? Did I not just feed thousands and thousands of people over and over again and you are arguing over that one piece of bread you are arguing about things you shouldn’t be arguing over, things you shouldn’t be worrying about? And I hear him say Margaret why are you worrying? Margaret why are you running with your own understanding? Margaret why are you focused on things that aren’t important? Don’t you know that I am God? Don’t you already know that I am a God who heals and God who is faithful a God who provides? Don’t you know Margaret that my love and grace are all together sufficient?

Group Reading with friends-reading aloud together Mark with response and prayer. One main question-What does my life mean in light of the text? This week we read chapters one-four, and i think its hard to answer that question without first identifying what I notice within just this portion of the text.

There must have been something in His mannerism in His voice or perhaps it was mere curiosity or anything to get away from the every day fishing(their job) that led Simon and Andrew to drop their fishing nets and James and John as well. (Question-what would he have asked me that would stir my heart my curiosity and would make me drop my responsibilities or perhaps what i thought was important?)

Right away Jesus starts teaching and from the crowds perspective his teaching, his mannerism, his presence are so different from the other scholars and religious leaders-the spectators are surprised. And then he is healing the sick and sending demonic spirits packing-and the crowds are again surprised who is this man? What is this new teaching? The demonic spirits and those who are healed get who he is-and Jesus tells them to shut up, don't tell. And Jesus continues to teach to heal and then even to forgive sins. (Which I can't but think about all the religious laws that were established for purification and the forgiveness of sins-going to the temple preparing the choice meats having a priest go into the inner sanctuary or all the laws on unclean vs. clean? Would I have thought yes! we don't have to go through all those steps to be clean or forgiven or would I have thought him crazy and reckless and would I be to afraid to brake out of the mold I grew up with? Would I have said, "Who is this man that even the wind and the waves obey him?"Or would I have understood the power, the authority, the glory of the kingdom at hand, would I have received the revelation( the huge picture) that he was slowly imparting through each act and teaching.)

Where is my heart, would I have received the message? Or like the seed would it have fallen on deaf ears? He taught to them at the level of their maturity? What is my maturity level? Does the seed take root? Does it grow and blossom? Or does it dry up get replaced get pushed aside?

The past few days I've been house sitting for friends and enjoying a bit of a retreat. They live outside the city of Portland in Falmouth amidst the large sometimes fabricated homes. But their's has a charm a beautiful backyard with fur trees and nicely landscaped flower beds, a tire swing-that I almost fell off of while trying to get on, and a screened in porch with bright blue swing where I spent a better part of my day taking in the surroundings. Its nice not to wake up to the sounds of large trucks rushing by my bedroom window. I don't mind the city but having grown up in the country there is a part of me that will always find it comforting. However some might complain that the crows are entirely too loud or that the school traffic in the morning is as just as loud as the city trucks.

It was nice not to work a holiday shift for a change-back to work tomorrow. Smiling, welcoming, seating, smiling, welcoming, seating.......and so on. I don't mind it when for the most part it pays the bills. However, I don't recall in third grade ever responding 'when I grow up I want to be a hostess.' And then I start thinking about society and how we have totally lost it or rather have not changed at all. Aristocrat:Executive Farmer:Farmer. We belittle the man who works 60 hours or more on his farm, sets a good example for hard workmanship, and the support of a family because we get into our heads that a high executive position is better and entitles the person to more dignity. A big window opens for low self-esteem, love is distorted is lost.

The colors of the fall right around the corner. Awe inspiring to see creation ebb and flow. The simple growth of a plant, the way a flower spreads it petals towards the sun, the dying of a tree and how even in its death can look so beautiful, the way water can be become muddied when you lift your foot from the ocean floor, the scurring of a squirrel as it winds its way up the tree, or the way the sun breaks through the fir trees and casts its ray on the forest floor resting on the ferns and creating so many hues of green, the way wind sweeps in and can change a scene. All so intricately woven together not by mistake and not to be unnoticed. I am not trying to be over spiritual as I right these entries but my heart wants to be always seeking after God and the beautiful mysteries and revelations of his kingdom his love and all sufficient grace. And how can you not look at creation and not see the revelation of scripture and the beauty and majesty of God. I think its one of the biggest ways the spirit works within my heart.

But there are so many things that can keep me from relishing in his glory. So many ways in which I can destroy the work that he is trying to do in me and His kingdom. Whether its through my selfish desires, and sin that so easily entangles like an irritation or rash that spreads and becomes more infected if not treated. How awesome that God sees the depth of my heart when I stumble and my faith is small He never fails to love. When I become angered, when I am bitter, when I am blind and deaf to others and their needs, when I am lazy and ignorant, and when I create a wall of idols between me and God I am just like those Israelites wandering in the desert who even after the freedom of slavery become hardened in their hearts. Oh that I might remember the purposes of God His indescribable uncontainable sovereignty and beauty of the cross.

You give and take away for my good for who am I to say what I need.
For You alone see the hidden parts of me that need to be stripped away.
And as You begin to refine, I'm learning to let go,
To rely on one who walks with me,
As hard as it may be You're teaching me all the while to say-

Bless the Lord, O my soul, all that's in me bless His name.
Forget not Your power untold, not Your glory or Your fame.
For You came to heal the broken, to redeem and make me whole.
Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Though my faith may falter and my strength fail,
I pray for eyes to see, the richness of Your mercy shown to me.
Bless the Lord.
-Laura Story

I love movies, all different genres, but I esp. love films that aren't in the limelight-and yet can achieve such masterful beauty. Now I am sure there are many who would disagree with my choices for films-my likes and dislikes and I am not saying you have to agree just experience.

I recently rented Vitus from a locally owned video rental in Portland (which by the way are the best and I love supporting the local businesses.) Switzerland entered it in the 2006 Academy Awards for Best Foreign Language Film. Basic plot a story of a boy prodigy who masters the piano at 12. But while he may love the piano its art form and the classical masters, he fights against the expectations and pressures of others. His parents always pushing him in the direction they want forcing him to practice-practice instead of really seeing their son. And even at 12 he began to understand that he did not have to live by the expectations of others-that he could follow his own heart and not wear the suit that someone else placed and pressured on him.

This concept I am still trying to learn. I am wearing a suit one I wear because its placed on me, forced on me, i feel guilty if I don't wear it, sometimes I like it even though a lot of times my own emotions and sensitive spirit get trampled. I'm the mediator the one in the family who smooths things over after one sibling had it out with a parent. Or I am the cleaner the one who goes in and neatens straightens can easily persuade the parental to get rid some unnecessary item. Or I'm a parent a second mother to my youngest sibling. And a lot of times I don't mind fulfilling these roles. I love talking to Abby taking her places advising etc. she's like a best friend-who gets my need to sing show tunes really loud in the car:) Or being able to help at my parents-cause I mean seriously their my parents. And I don't mind listening when someones frustrated with my families quirks.

But why is it always expected that I should clean something every time I go home. Confession-my mom is a hoarder. So it really doesn't matter how much I clean things will never be clean. But for once I wish-sometimes I cross my fingers as I drive home hoping miraculously that it will be spotless and clutter free. But I clean and I never can fully just sit with my parents and enjoy their company without feeling the strain of the house and claustrophobic.

Recently my mother has been unwell. Mentally not quite there doing things a dementia or alzheimers patient might do. So for the past few months its been quite stressful and I have been helping at the home because my mom doesn't anymore and has not been herself-and the reality is that I feel like I am losing my mother. And we have been waiting for a diagnosis. In the mean time strain has hit the communication lines within the immediate family and a lot of time unity , grace, and love are thrown out the window. And the biggest thing is my dad now telling me I have to come home once a week to help in the house instead of being appreciative for when I do. Which has basically been almost every week.

But here is the spiritual debate within my heart. I am not necessarily called to any of these roles placed on me. But then what is the heart of the gospel. Does not God show grace and love maybe when it is not deserved? And am I supposed to abandon my father who obviously is hurting struggling and confused. What is my role or what should my role be-which always leads to the question I'm always asking myself who am I?

I took on a new job at the Maine Mall working as the assistant manager for Cherry Hill Photo. Basically its a two week gig taking pics of kids with the Easter Bunny. Its fun watching all the reactions as the kids suddenly realize that its not just a big stuffed bunny. Some run and hug it others scream and run in terror and still others will gradually warm to a shy smile as they hug their mom or dad and sneak peaks at the giant waving peek-a-booing bunny.

The days are getting warmer here in Maine although not quite warm enough to run outside. But I keep going to the gym switching up my routines the other day I added more pushups and as I stood the next day at the host stand I wish I hadn't. But its good for me-I have to keep telling myself that:)

Both my roommates are moving out at the end of the summer. So far my first roommate moved out to get married, my second roommate moved out to move home, another moved out to get married, and now one is moving out to move back home and the other to most likely get married. So you'd think my room would get hit with the bug preferably the married one but no such luck. The big decision will be if I move out as well or find two more roommates. Where I would go I have no idea.

Tonight my roommate and I are having quite a few women from church over to celebrate with my friend who will be getting married next week. We are having fancy cupcake night where everyone brings their own favorite topping. Yesterday my roommate and I cleaned our apartment-a little bit of spring cleaning as well. I pulled the oven away from the wall to discover a lovely mixure of dust and an array of ingrediants that didn't make it into the pan for one reason or another:) And it's always a sure sign the floor needs to be mopped when as you mop you see a clear line between what is clean and what isn't:)

Last night I got together with some guys from church, we are going to be leading the worship this sunday. It was so much fun practicing. We are singing Come to Jesus the version done by Mindy Smith. If you haven't heard her music its great-very folk with a mix of bluegrass as well. Which seems to be my choice of music lately: JJ Heller, Brandi Carlile, Patty Griffith, Gillian Welch, Emmy Lou Harris, Eva Cassidy, and Mindy Smith. But I also still love Bebo Norman and Sarah Groves. Who by the way I recently heard sing hear in Portland-that is Bebo. It was so good, Philip Larue opened for him. What I love I think about Bebo is that not only does he sing but he does a little bit of heart conversation mixed with a little preaching:) And his music isn't just for listening sake but actually allows you to enter into worship.

Anyway I need to make more cupcakes and clean my room along with a very long list so I should stop procrastinating and get to work.

Spring is finally here. Although there are lingering signs of winter which still need to receive the message. But I am loving the blue sky and the sun that is currently streaming through my living room window. My roommates cat George is by the looks of it enjoying it as well as he has lazily stretched himself out in the sun's raze reflected on the floor. I am sort of tempted to join him:)

For New Englanders and esp. for Mainers tomorrow is Maple Syrup Sunday. Now while this day may sound very hick like to the rest of the world it is actually quite fun. As you watch the gallons and gallons of sap boiled down to form delicious fresh syrup at your neighboring farm. You get to sample its sweetness on fresh made ice cream or on snowcones. And then try a piece of maple syrup candy. Then its off to the barn to visit the animals or into the farmers store to buy your first jar of maple syrup and perhaps some homemade donuts. Normally my friends once a month have Soup Sunday at their house where everyone from church (granted we have a small church) is invited over to enjoy homemade soups and breads. In light of tomorrow it will be a Pancake Sunday so we can enjoy maple syrup:) You know you all wish you were in Maine:)

I have been working on a project for the past several months. Using the medium of pastels I have been creating 4x4 cross sections of birds specifically near the head and one eye. So far I have about 16 different birds. I am planning on about 30 t0 40 and framing them all together. It will be donated to camp and will make for great fun for the campers as they have to try to identify the birds just by looking at the colors. I saw a similar idea at the local Audobon Farm and got inspired. I have also been working on some coloring pages which will have camp cherith's logo printed near the bottom, so that when they go to camp fairs they have something else to hand out. Actually New England Camp Cherith is no longer they have changed the name to New England Camp Cedarbrook. Mostly because they are no longer connected to Pioneer Girls and so can no longer use the name, we are not the only cherith camp who is making a similar move.

Well its time to get back to the drawing board:)

Okay so I am not the greatest at remembering to post on this site.
News with me:
I am working yet another job. My season ended in January working at LL Bean and the very next day I went to a job fair for a restaurant that was opening up and got a job as a hostess. So now I work at Famous Dave's a BBQ place known for their Award Winning St. Louis Style Ribs and more. It is a job. And I am able to pay the bills that is at least the important thing. And I am continually on the look out for work but also continually praying about where God is directing me-which perhaps might be full time ministry. It is anyway were I have felt the most joy and the most content.

I have been very involved in my church Missio Dei. And the community is great, check us out at mdchurch.org :) I love being connected in this fellowship. There are a few of us that are actually starting a non-profit together and is hopefully going to get off the ground officially in September. Which you can read about on our church website. It will be called WIT: Women in Transition. We are all discovering are place within the ministry and where and how God is leading us.

In other news I have started training for a tri-athalon. Yes you read right. I have started running a lot more esp. this past summer and fall. And have kept it up at the gym and some of my friends and I have decided that we are going to do this summer. So i am excited and scared and thinking i am absolutely crazy but at the same time it will be very good too:)

No news on the boy front. Although I did go on a date around late Nov. Let's just say it was a no go:) So unfornately no wedding in the immediate future. So I don't know when the next reuion will be except to say that my current roommate is moving back to Oregon in August and I will be driving across country with her so perhaps our route will stay within the northern states and I can just pop in here and there and see everyone:)